Milestones

It's been awhile since I've been here.  A close friend commented that I must be doing well, since I haven't written much lately.  I've been busy, enjoying summer with my family, but I don't know about doing well.  I try to be strong, but I am hurting.  Maybe I will always hurt.  If you ask me how I'm doing, I'll probably say "OK," but I hurt.  The busyness of summer has kind of caused me to set my feelings aside, so not dealing with those emotions is catching up to me.

My husband is a teacher, so we've all been home together for summer vacation.  It has been a blast working on projects (my husband built me a pond!), spending quality time together with family, and having time to do things we wouldn't normally be able to do.

I was so busy doing "summer" that I missed Jonah's half-birthday.  (I come from a small family, so we celebrate half-birthdays!)  I was aware that it was coming up a few weeks before, but I forgot about it until the day after because I didn't have it on my calendar.  This brought up conflicting emotions for me.  On the one hand, I felt like a terrible mother-- how could I forget my son's half-birthday!?!?  On the other hand, I was grateful that I didn't think of it ahead of time, because the anticipation of milestones is the worst part for me.

Take Mother's Day, for example.  For weeks I dreaded it, thinking about how difficult it was going to be for me.  I would get a stomach ache just thinking about the upcoming holiday.  But when Mother's Day actually came, I was fine!  A little sad, but not devastated.  I knew that I needed to take care of myself that day by keeping busy, and I survived it.

So the day after Jonah's half-birthday, my husband, daughter, and I took a picnic to the cemetery.  My daughter is collecting Minions toys from Happy Meals right now.  She got a duplicate that day in our McDonald's picnic.  She wanted to leave it there at the cemetery for Jonah as a half-birthday present.  What a sweet big sister!

So maybe it was a blessing in disguise that I remembered Jonah's half-birthday a day late.  I didn't have the sick feeling in my stomach because of the anticipation, and our family still got to celebrate together with a picnic at the cemetery.

We miss you, Jonah, and think about you everyday!

Where I Am Today

I am pleased to contribute to a blog hop for grieving parents who write.  When you're finished reading, hop on back to She Brings Joy.

It has been five months since we said hello and goodbye to Jonah.  I realize this makes me a baby in my grief, and I have so far to go.  Will I ever be whole again, when a piece of my heart is missing?

At this point in my journey, I can honestly say there are more good days than bad days.  I might have one or two bad days in a week.  Sometimes I just need to cry.  Sometimes I have an imminent urge to visit the cemetery.  Sometimes I want to curl up in my bed and sleep all day, but that doesn't happen because I have my daughter to care for!

Like I mentioned in my previous blog post, I feel like I am in the process of becoming a different person than I once was.  Grieving is messy, and I'm not yet sure who I will be on the other side of this journey. It's hard to put into words exactly where I am and how things are changing, but I will try.

Life is scary and fragile.

Losing my son has made me realize that our time here is not guaranteed.  Sometimes I panic when I'm driving in the car, thinking life could end at any second with an accident.  I fear for my husband driving to work for the same reason.  I worry about leaving my daughter at preschool, thinking something could happen and we'd never see each other again.  Times when our family is apart cause me anxiety, and I feel most comfortable when we are all at home together.

My body is frustrating.

I know I should celebrate the fact that my body gave life to two children.  But it's not the same as it once was.  I am still wearing maternity pants.  My c-section scar causes pain when I wear jeans or any stiff fabric, so my clothing options are limited at this point.  The most frustrating thing is that I still can't run because of the pain from my incision.  I am a runner.  I long to be training for a half marathon.  Waiting is frustrating and walking isn't the same.

Priorities change.

Things that were once important seem trivial.  The most important thing now is spending time with loved ones, because we don't know how much time we have on earth.  I used to love my job as a teacher, but at this season in my life, is it much more important to be home with my daughter.  Now I question whether I should return to teaching or look for a different job that would allow me more time with my family.

Relationships change.

You discover you have a lot more "fair weather friends" than you thought.  Perhaps the people close to you can't handle your pain or don't know what to say.  Whatever the reason, friends aren't there like they used to be.  I have been blessed to meet some new friends after my loss; some from a mom's club and some from a grief support group.  I never would have met some wonderful people had I not lost my son.  Finally, while many marriages end in divorce when parents lose a child, I am extremely thankful to say that my relationship with my husband has only been strengthened because of our loss.

Faith grows.

I never imagined I could be so strong.  People who hear our story marvel at our courage.  But none of this was accomplished in my own strength.  I was able to make it through the greatest trial of my life only by relying on God.  When I put my trust in God and was willing to obey, He carried me through the valley of the shadow of death.  He was with us when our son was born, and He continued to fill us with an otherworldly peace throughout our hospital stay.  Seeing God carry us through something so big has made it easier to trust him in all things.  If God was with us then, he can certainly walk with us through anything that comes our way.

I think about Jonah each day, wondering what he would be like now.  I wonder what it's like in heaven where he is.  I wonder how much longer I will have to wait to be with him.  I know that I have a long way to go in my grief.  While I just want the pain and the hard parts to be over with, I know this journey is turning me into the person God made me to be.

Me in my happy place, the canal where I go running.  Here I was walking a virtual 5K for Memorial Day.

Suffering

Going through this journey of losing Jonah, I have experienced more than my fair share of suffering.  The shock of being told that my child would not live.  Carrying him for 3.5 months while enduring the overwhelming weight of a fatal diagnosis.  Watching him die in my arms, minutes after he was born.  Burying my child and living with his loss.  Facing the reality that my family is forever altered because Jonah is missing.  It wasn't supposed to be this way!

It has been close to five months since our son passed away.  I am just starting to feel somewhat like my old self, but I know I will never be the same person I once was.  It feels like the person I was before has been ripped apart, and is now being reassembled and repurposed into someone new.  I know that God is remaking me through this experience, and I don't yet know who I will be at the end of this journey.  But I trust that he has a purpose for me, and that he will use my suffering for good.

In his kindness God called you to his eternal glory by means of Jesus Christ.  After you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.  (1 Peter 5:10 NLT)

Through our journey, my husband and I knew that we were called to use our son's life as a testimony to our faith in Christ.  Even while I was still pregnant with Jonah, we knew that we were called to share our story.  As debilitating as the pain was at times, we were comforted by our faith and hope in our Savior.  We knew that later on, we would have to share our story so that we, in turn, could be an encouragement to others.  We all will endure suffering in this world, and I hope that you will never have to go through losing a child like we did.  But when your time of suffering does come, turn to God as a source of comfort.  His peace will carry you through. 

All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.  He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us.  He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others  are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.  You can be sure that the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ.  So when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your benefit and salvation!  For when God comforts us, it is  so that we, in turn, can be an encouragement to you.  Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer.  We are confident that as you share in suffering, you will also share God's comfort.  (2 Corinthians 1:3-7 NLT)

I recently came across this passage during a Bible study group with my friends.  Though the context is about the persecution of early Christians, it still applies today as we all experience suffering.  Though I am not one for speaking publicly, I do enjoy writing and this blog is the result of that.  I hope that my writing will be a comfort and source of encouragement to others.  I pray that God will give you comfort and turn your suffering into something good and beautiful.

And may you fight for redemption of your pain so that you can say, "God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering." (Genesis 41:52 NLT)

My Child is a Gift

Recently I joined a Facebook group for other mamas who have carried to term with a fatal diagnosis.  After sharing my story and my blog, I was honored to be invited to participate in a "Blog Hop" for bereaved parents.  I hope that reading our stories will bring healing to our readers.  Writing brings healing to me, as does sharing my journey with others who have walked this path.  Thank you for reading my son's story and visiting my blog!

When you're finished reading my post, return to the blog hop over at She Brings Joy.

Being a child-loss mother comes with a roller-coaster of emotions.  Elation and happiness, shock and disbelief, anger and fear, pain and mourning.  Sometimes the emotions threatened to overwhelm me.

I was on a high mountain top upon finding out I was pregnant, elated with adding another child to our family.  My husband and I dreamed of the way our future would be, excited that our daughter, Alice, would be a big sister.  Those first few months of pregnancy, we were blissfully unaware of how our lives were about to change forever.

On October 1, 2014, my husband and I went in for a routine ultrasound at 21 weeks of pregnancy.  Immediately the technician could tell something was wrong.  Our baby had extremely low levels of amniotic fluid and polycystic kidneys.  A follow-up appointment confirmed a fatal diagnosis of Potter's Syndrome.

We were in shock.  We were angry.  Why would God put it in our hearts to have a child that was going to be ripped away from us?

Though things did not turn out the way we wanted, we have come to see our son Jonah's life as a gift.

My child is a gift, not a choice.
When we received Jonah's diagnosis, some doctors encouraged us to terminate the pregnancy.  They tried to scare me, saying that carrying this baby was a serious threat to my health.  (I never had any health problems.)  They said, your child is so abnormal, why carry him when there is no chance of survival?  (My child is loved and wanted, even if he doesn't survive.)  They said, you need to end this now so you can start to "get over it" and get on with your life.  (I will never be able to get over it.)

My husband and I chose to carry our son because he was a gift from God.  He was wanted and loved.  From the moment he was conceived, Jonah was a person.  Even though his kidneys and lungs didn't from properly, we could still hear his heart beating each and every time we went to the doctor's office.  As long as his heart was beating, I would carry him.  Ending his life was never a choice we had the right to make; we left it to God to decide.

My child is a gift, not a burden.
Because of the low amniotic fluid, I could feel every little kick and movement starting around 14 weeks of pregnancy.  Feeling the life growing inside of me was such a gift at first.  But after the diagnosis, it was bittersweet.  While I appreciated the sweet moments of feeling my son alive and well, each movement reminded me that he would not be staying with us.

During the last month of my pregnancy, I felt burdened.  It was very uncomfortable carrying Jonah, because there was no amniotic fluid to act as a cushion between him and me.  The grief was constantly hanging over us.  The fear and dread would not go away; knowing that we would never bring Jonah home from the hospital, and planning a funeral instead of a baby shower.  But we were committed to honoring God by carrying Jonah, and no amount of discomfort could change my mind.  We were blessed to deliver Jonah a few weeks early when I went into labor.  The burdensome time was over.  But looking back now, feeling his life within me was a gift.

My child is a gift to others.
Because of Jonah's life, others have been blessed.  I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember, but it has always been hard for me to share my faith with others.  Because of Jonah, the doors are open wide to share my faith and what God has done in our lives.  Throughout this journey, my husband and I have been committed to standing firm in our faith and being a witness to others.  (Watch him share our story with our church family here.)

When Jonah passed away, we set up a memorial fund at our daughter's preschool.  With the money that was donated, a kind and talented community member built a playhouse for the children at the preschool.  (Read more about Jonah's Schoolhouse here.)  This awesome structure is a gift to the children of our community, and it reminds me of my son each time I see it.

My child is a treasure in heaven.
I recall a time toward the very end of my pregnancy, when I spoke with another mother who had lost her infant son.  She said to me, having a child in heaven is a treasure.  At the time, I thought that sounded crazy.  How could all of this suffering and saying goodbye to my child possibly be a treasure?!  But now, after some time has passed, I can understand how she was right.

Matthew 6:19-21 (NLT) reads, "Don't store up treasures here on earth, where they can be eaten by moths and get rusty, and where thieves break in and steal.  Store your treasures in heaven, where they will never become moth-eaten or rusty and where they will be safe from thieves.  Wherever your treasure is, there your heart and thoughts will be also."

Philippians 3:20-21 (NLT) reads, "But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives.  And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior.  He will take these weak mortal bodies of ours and change them into glorious bodies like his own, using the same mighty power that he will use to conquer everything, everywhere."  

I am confident that my son is in heaven.  He will never get sick or experience heartbreak.  He will never be subjected to the conditions of this imperfect, fallen world.  Instead, his body is now perfect, and he is enjoying eternal fellowship with God.  Because God gave me the gift of my son, my heart and thoughts are now fixed on the eternal, and I have a greater awareness that this world is not my home.  Though I have suffered here and will always miss Jonah, I know that I await an eternity with him in heaven.  What a treasure!

Scars

When I was pregnant with Jonah, I kind of had the option to choose a c-section delivery because of our circumstances.  Knowing how difficult it was to deliver Alice, I didn't think I could go through the emotional trauma of delivering Jonah the same way, knowing that he wouldn't live.  There was also a good chance that Jonah wouldn't survive a vaginal delivery, and would be stillborn.  We really wanted to meet our son alive, if only for a few moments, and a c-section delivery would give us the best chance of meeting him alive.  It turned out that Jonah was breech and it was medically necessary to deliver that way.

Even knowing that it would be a difficult recovery, I wanted a c-section because I wanted the scar.  I wanted proof that my son existed in the form of a scar on my body.

I have been listening to a lot of Mandisa albums lately while I walk on the canal.  (Her music is my favorite right now!)  She has a song called "What Scars Are For" on her "Overcomer" album from 2013.  This song really speaks to me because of what I have been through with Jonah.  The physical scar is a reminder of God's faithfulness in bringing me through a time of trial.

"What Scars Are For"
These scars aren't pretty, but they're a part of me
And will not ever fade away
These marks tell a story of me down in the valley
And how You reached in with Your grace
And healed me

They remind me of Your faithfulness and all You brought me through
They teach me that my brokenness is something You can use
They show me where I've been and that I'm not there anymore
That's what scars, that's what scars are for

Erase, rewind, wish I could every time
The hurt, the pain cuts so deep
But when I'm weak, You're strong, and in Your power I can carry on
And my scars say that You won't ever leave

They remind me of Your faithfulness and all You brought me through
They teach me that my brokenness is something You can use
They show me where I've been and that I'm not there anymore
That's what scars, that's what scars are for

I see it on the cross
The nails You took for me
Scars can change the world
Scars can set me free

They remind me of Your faithfulness and all You brought me through
They teach me that my brokenness is something You can use
They show me where I've been and that I'm not there anymore
That's what scars, that's what scars are for

Mother's Day 2015

The week leading up to Mother's Day, I was dreading it.  I thought, for sure, it would be a super emotional day for me filled with sadness, thinking about not having Jonah with me.  While I definitely missed my son, I did have an enjoyable day, and I didn't cry at all!  I knew that I needed to take care of myself in order to have a good day.  I know there were people praying for me, helping me to get through my first Mother's Day post-Jonah, and I felt it.  Those prayers gave me strength!

I started my day by walking a virtual 5K race.  (What is a virtual race, you ask?  It's a race you sign up for online, and during the designated time period, you can run or walk your race anytime, anywhere.)  Being a runner, spending time on the canal bank has always been therapeutic for me.  It's a time to be alone with my thoughts and relieve stress.  I knew that I would need time on the canal bank on Mother's Day!  While I can't run yet (I'm still healing from my c-section), I CAN walk!  And this was the first time I had walked 3.1 miles since Jonah's birth.

The best part of my day was at the end of my "race."  Adam and Alice came out to the canal to meet me at the end.  They were holding up a purple streamer as a "finish line" for me to run through.  Adam awarded me my race medal.  Alice showed up in her lobster pajamas!

Alice and Adam gave me cards and a gift.  It was so special having my favorite people cheering for me!

Later on, Adam and I went to the movies together.  I knew I needed to keep busy today to minimize crying time!  Here's a picture of our family when we picked up Alice.

I made a little Mother's Day collage of my babies.  Alice looks like me, and Jonah looks like Adam.  So thankful that these precious little ones made me a mother!

Jonah's Schoolhouse

Introducing Jonah's Schoolhouse!!!  Isn't it adorable?!

Before our son passed away, we set up a memorial fund at Hilmar Christian Children's Center.  We wanted any memorial donations to benefit the children at our daughter's preschool.  Thanks to generous donations from family, friends, and community members, enough money was raised to build this playhouse.

Ms. Lynn, the director of the preschool, asked Ken Van Foeken to create a playhouse for the children to use at the preschool.  Since my husband and I are both teachers, the schoolhouse idea was born.  Grandpas Art and Dan even got to help out with construction, roofing, and Grandma Laurie helped with painting.  Ken's wife, Susie, even created the flower arrangements for the windows.

Inside the schoolhouse there is a large chalk board, teacher's desk, and mini chalk boards for the students.  So creative and fun!

The schoolhouse is complete with a school bell on top of the roof, that the children can ring.

Here is it, installed at the preschool!  It was a team effort and a work of love, spearheaded by Mr. Van Foeken.  Each time Alice goes to preschool, she gets to play in her brother's schoolhouse.  Each time I drive by and see it on the playground, I smile as I think of my son. I am truly thankful to everyone who helped out and made this project come to life.  The children at the preschool will enjoy it for years to come!

Peace in the Shadow of Death

This post comes straight from my devotional journal, dated 5/1/15.

"Because of God's tender mercy, the light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace."  (Luke 1:78-79 NLT)

If I could choose one Bible verse to describe our experience in the delivery room, this would be it.  Before Jonah was born, and I was waiting on the operating table, I was terrified of the unknown.  We were trembling in darkness, afraid to face the shadow of death that we knew would soon be upon us.  During the first part of my c-section, I have never prayed more fervently in my entire life!  As soon as Jonah was out and the doctor said "It's a boy," Adam and I were both hit so hard with God's peace.  It was so profound, it was like a physical impact, the wave of calm rushing over me.  I was no longer afraid, just resting in God's will for the life of my son.  God truly gave us peace in the midst of the shadow of death.

Wisdom from Daniel Tiger

One of my favorite shows to watch with Alice is Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood on PBS.  In each episode, there is a little song they keep repeating as Daniel Tiger learns some kind of lesson. The song we heard today went like this:

If something seems bad, turn it around, and find something good!

The thing about these songs is they get stuck in your head after just one episode, because of the repetition. I found myself humming this tune throughout the day, and then reflected on it while I was out for a walk this evening. 

Losing our son is something so bad, but we are determined to make something good out of it. After hearing my husband share our story in church, and sharing on my blog, I feel bold! I'm not afraid to share anymore, and I know it is Christ who gives me the strength. 

One personal blessing that has come of this tragedy is that I am able to stay home and raise my 3-year-old daughter, Alice, until she starts kindergarten. 

When our son passed away, we set up a memorial fund at Hilmar Christian Children's Center, not knowing what the funds would go to. Our family was thrilled to learn that a playhouse would be provided for the children in memory of Jonah.

I want my son's life to have meaning, and I pray that others might be touched somehow because of his existence. (I know I will never be the same!) Adam and I have recently started brainstorming about possibly setting up a scholarship fund in Jonah's memory. And since I am a runner, I would like to put on a virtual race in the future, in honor of Jonah. I am excited about the possible ways my son's brief life can still leave a legacy.

When I opened up a devotional email before bed, I came across a Bible verse that spoke to me:

May you fight for redemption of your pain so that you can say, "God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering." (Genesis 41:52)

God has definitely been working in me and my husband, to make this experience fruitful in our lives. As Christians, we will have trials, but God can use them for his good purpose, if only we will let him. We don't fully understand God's purpose, but we know he will use this for his glory.

Bereaved Mother's Day

Did you know... today is international bereaved mother's day?  I didn't know, either!  I just happened to see something about it on Facebook this evening.  I think it is a pretty neat coincidence that Adam shared Jonah's story in church this morning.

I want to give a shout out to my grief support group, and say happy bereaved mother's day to us!


http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/05/international-bereaved-mothers-day.html

Adam's Sermon Notes

Today's guest blogger is my husband, Adam!  This morning he shared our story with our church family at Enclave Community Church.  Thanks to my cousin, Alan, you can watch this sermon on YouTube by clicking this link-- https://youtu.be/wQ8Ftpy-1-s

I am so proud of my husband for boldly proclaiming our story of God's faithfulness.  Like Adam mentioned in church, he felt called to share with our congregation, and I felt called to share on this blog.  This morning was the unveiling of my blog address, as you can see here!

·  

1)  God puts trials in your life

John 16:33--I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace.  In the world you will have tribulation.  But the take heart; I have overcome the world.

Romans 12:12--Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

*This all began a while ago.  After much prayer, we felt called to have a second child.  We struggled at times with Alice and just had tremendous respect for parents of multiple children because we didn’t know how they could do it.  I decided to work through my prep period for a school year in order to get the money needed for Danae to take an extended time off from work to have a second child.  Once we felt that God was wanting us to have another child, it wasn’t long before Danae was pregnant. 

* The first half of the pregnancy was pretty normal and went by pretty fast because taking care of Alice was taking all of our attention.  However, we just felt God’s hand over us in protection.

* Then came our 20-week ultrasound.  We were giddy with excitement because we were going to find out the gender of our second child.  We began to get Alice’s old room ready for the new arrival and we were really beginning to enjoy the thought of having two children.  However, once the ultrasound began, the technician became very quiet and told us there was something seriously wrong.  There was a very low amount of amniotic fluid and the technician could not find our baby’s kidneys.  The doctor recommended that we see a specialist right away and would not comment on the situation until more information was known. 

* All I could feel was shock.  We were in a daze and were in constant prayer.  Although we were able to see the specialist two days later, I really do not remember much from those two days except the overriding feeling that this should not be happening.

* After going in for another ultrasound with the specialist, he told us our baby had a condition called Potter’s Syndrome.  Without going into too much detail, it meant that our baby would grow to full term and then die right after birth.  There was no chance of survival and he highly recommended that we terminate the pregnancy right now.   Not only was there no chance of survival for our baby, but Danae had an increased chance of pre-eclampsia, which could lead to death.  To him, this was a no-brainer for us to end the pregnancy.

* We were devastated!  Why would God put it in our hearts to have another child when this was the outcome!  We prayed deeply for the next couple of days on what we should do.   After much prayer, we felt called to continue the pregnancy because we felt we had no right to make that decision in the first place.

*  However, it was not an easy choice.  It was probably the hardest choice in our lives.  I remember wanting a miscarraige.  That is not to make light of anyone who has gone through such a tragedy.  However, with a miscarriage, we could begin the grieving process.  Instead, we were going to spend the next four months waiting for the death of our child.  We were going to have people constantly asking us about the pregnancy, I mean, what else are you going to talk about with a pregnant woman?  Every time the baby kicked, we would feel joy and then a huge amount of sadness.  Being teachers, students would constantly ask about the baby.  It felt like an open wound that would not begin to heal for months on its own. 

* We decided for Danae to take the rest of the school year off.  We were lucky that our primary doctor wrote Danae an extended note of bed rest to help us. 

* As far as telling people, we let our family in, and we let some of our close friends in on this fact.  But we couldn’t bring ourselves to tell everybody because we could not handle people seeing us and seeing the death that was around us.  I deflected questions from my students and even had to deal with a baby shower from my school, which honestly tore me up inside.

* Although few people have experienced this, everyone has experienced loss, and everyone goes through trials.  That brings me to my next point:

2) Put your faith in God

Romans 8:28 --And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose.

1 Peter 5:9--Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

1 Thessalonians 3:7-- Therefore, brothers and sisters, in all our distress and persecution we were encouraged about you because of your faith.

* First let me mention that by putting our faith in God, the pain did not go away.  We struggled, we wondered why us?  But as we prayed, we knew that God had a plan.  I know that everyone going through pain and trials do not want to hear that God has a plan.  However, God’s plan has never been about just you or me, He has a plan to work through countless lives to bring about saving grace for anyone He chooses.  Basically, His plan is not about us, it’s about Him.  And the more we are in communion with God, the more we get to see His grace and plan extended to people all around us.  We don’t know the plan and don’t understand it, but He was going to work miracles through it all.
*God is faithful.  I cannot stress this enough.  He was (and is) by my side every step of the way. 

3) Pray for God’s miracles

Psalm 4:1-- Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God.  Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.

Psalm 145:18-- The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth.

Matthew 7:11-- If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!

* When we prayed, we prayed for Jonah to be healed, but more than that, we prayed for God’s will to be done.  We prayed for miracles from God in the entirety of the situation. 

* Personally for me, I would get mad when some people told me or Danae that they knew God was going to perform the miracle of healing Jonah.  I was mad because it seemed like there was only one miracle that could happen, and if our child wasn’t healed, then God did nothing.

* Let me say this as clearly as possible…God performed countless miracles.   Here are just some of those miracles and blessings:

• Danae had just finished knitting Jonah’s hat a couple of days before delivery
• Danae had organized everything in the house (including freezer meals) the week before Jonah was born. We just picked out a boy outfit at Target a few days before (not knowing Jonah was a boy).
• Danae had just pulled out a special baby blanket from our storage.
•  I had federal jury duty that was postponed from Jan. 20^th to April.
• We just took down all the Christmas decorations a day or two before.
• Danae and I had shared our testimonies at our village [fellowship group] the last time we met before Jonah's delivery.
• We met with a talented photographer who volunteers for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, an organization that takes pictures of children who pass away right after their birth.  Not only did she give us free maternity photos three days before the delivery, she also came at 1:00 in the morning to take pictures right after Jonah passed away, instead of in the morning.
•  We met the OB/GYN doctor who performed the c-section the day before Danae went into labor.
• I was at the funeral home with my dad, starting to get the paperwork done when Danae went into labor.
• The delivery was three weeks early.  This was a huge blessing because we did not have to set a death date for our child.  It also answered Danae’s prayers, who was having a real hard time in the last trimester due to the low amniotic fluid.
• My brother Colby actually answered his phone (he is notorious for not answering calls for days) and was there at the hospital, along with our parents that night.
• Allowing Danae to be awake during the c-section.  Since it was an emergency c-section, there was a debate whether they would have to put Danae under during the operation which would not allow her to experience Jonah’s time here.
• We did not find out Jonah’s gender until his birth (after not knowing from 7 or 8 ultrasounds).
•  I had always wanted to have a son, and it was truly a blessing to have one!  I told Danae that night that I felt our family was complete after Jonah.
• We got to spend an hour with Jonah, when the pediatrician told us he might die within a minute of birth.
• Jonah was born and passed away right at the end of January 13^th, meaning that he did not die on my father-in-law’s birthday.
•  God gave us a supernatural peace throughout the night.  Even when we called our family in to see Jonah (after he passed), Danae told everyone to not cry, that it was a celebration.
•  During the memorial service, God blessed our music leader Tim during the service.  He told me afterwards that during the service, he had a vision of Jonah thanking him in heaven for the music that he played.
• Also, God provided pastor Brandon with a new sermon the morning of the memorial service which he proclaimed with boldness to the people who attended.  It was such a great sermon because it not only honored Jonah, but more importantly, it honored God!
• With the donations that people made in Jonah’s name to the Hilmar Christian Children’s Center, they were able to build an outdoor playhouse for the children, called Jonah’s Schoolhouse [more on that in another blog post].

When you look at the small things, you see that God was abundantly pouring out blessings onto our family in the midst of the hardest times in our life.  God is faithful!  We have been blessed abundantly by God and are now living more by faith.  One decision that we have made in faith is that Danae is staying home to raise Alice and we are currently living on one income.  [Temporarily, on a leave of absence from her school district.]  She is truly enjoying her time as a mother, and this would not have been possible without trusting in God’s provision.

4) Get connected with the church

Hebrews 10: 24-25-- And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

* As I mentioned before, as soon as we found out of Jonah’s condition, we told our parents of the situation.  Aside from our family and closest friends, however, it was the church that helped strengthen us through the process.  Even during that fateful ultrasound, I was texting Pastor Brandon and Nathan (the other members of my small group) to pray for us.  Danae had help from her small group as well.  It wasn’t long before we let our village into the circle.

* We did not let everybody into the circle, but we had people constantly praying and supporting us through the process.  It helped in having people know the pain we are going through and offer encouragement along the way.  We know that we have felt the prayers from people to help us in the process.

* I need to mention that the church really helped us with meals after Jonah’s passing.  Our friends helped organize meals from the church and family that basically fed us for a month.  We felt truly blessed for people’s support and know it was another blessing from God!

* True fellowship with believers is one facet in which I get to enjoy God here on Earth.  But true fellowship invovles allowing people to see both the triumphs and the tragedies.  We need to be in communion with God and believers and show them our brokenness. 

5) We are broken (even more than before)

Psalm 147:3-- He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Matthew 11:28-30-- Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

*While Danae was still pregnant, I thought that Jonah’s death would be something that I would get over, something that I would move on from.  One thing that I am learning is I will never get over this.  I am broken, even more than before, and I think it is a way God is reminding me that I must be dependent on Him at all times.  We had to realize and accept our brokenness to start healing.  When people ask Danae how she is doing, she will often say, “I’m going to be a mess for a while and I’m learning to be OK with that.” 

*We still are reminded of Jonah everytime we see a baby or an expectant mother, and it is the reason you always see me and Danae sitting at the front of the church.

* This is the reason why Danae is not leading worship right now.  The emotions are still too raw for her, and she cannot yet sing without crying.

*Going through this journey has been a lonely one at times, because no one knows exactly how we are feeling.  People have been uncomfortable around us and do not know what to say, which is totally understandable.  Before this experience, I would not have known what to say, either.  We have joined a support group for grieving parents which has helped us tremendously, and has taught us a lot about going through the grieving process. 

*Here are some recommendations for talking to grieving parents:

• Remember our child by speaking about him.  Part of the healing process is talking about Jonah and our pregnancy.  The worst thing you can do is ignore Jonah and pretend that he never existed.
• Ask us how we are doing, and ask if there is anything you can do to help.
•  Realize that we might start crying when you talk to us, but that is OK.  This is the “new normal” and we are going to be emotional for a while.
• We have been told that in grieving, the first year is the hardest.  Remember us on holidays, say a prayer, send a card, set up a “play date.”  The pain is not going away anytime soon, and we still need prayers and support.
• Don’t fall into cliches.  For example, some people might think, “You’re young; you can have another baby.”  While that may be true, Jonah is irreplaceable.  Another child would never make up for missing him everyday.
• Realize that we struggle daily with happiness.  In one hand we hold the grief over losing our child, and in the other hand we try to enjoy each day God has given us and enjoy the union that we have with God.  It’s a delicate balance.

               

6) Our new focus in on Eternity

Philippians 3:20-- But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.

Revelation 21:4-- He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

*With Jonah passing away, my heart and soul is now focused on the eternal.  I know that Jonah is in heaven now.  And it is tragic that he passed away, but when is death not tragic?  When is death not unnatural?
*I ask myself, will it matter that I did not spend 30, 40, 50 years with Jonah when I get to heaven?  What about after 100 years in heaven?  A thousand? A hundred-thousand?
*With eternity, the pain of Earth will wash away.  I look forward to seeing what type of person Jonah is and hope that he is watching now as I give God the glory.
*I want to stress though that our enjoyment of God is present now. And Danae and me truly love giving our lives to Him.  But we also get to look forward to eternity with God and Jonah.

Let me close with this, God is good…  All of the time…Even in the time of our distress God is good and I am thankful that the Lord has chosen me to share twith you that God is always good!

Jonah's Song

We continue to be amazed at the outpouring of love and support we have received over Jonah's passing.  Today, a very good friend of ours surprised Adam with a song he wrote about Jonah.  After playing the song for Adam, our friend e-mailed us a rough recording of the song, so I could hear it, too.  It was so touching and meaningful.  I was blown away by our friend's kindness and respect, because it was so unexpected.

Jonah mattered to us.  Our friend understood that and wrote a song to honor his life.  I'm sure we will share it with everyone someday, but for now we will treasure it ourselves as it brings comfort in our healing process.

Thank you, friend, for honoring our precious son with the gift of punk rock music!

Resources

This page is intended to be an on-going list of resources to help others who are going through the grieving process, or facing a terminal diagnosis.  It is a work in progress which will grow as our healing continues.  From time to time, I will post book reviews on my blog as I read through the books in my list.

While I was expecting Jonah, I felt so isolated.  I wanted to read the stories of others who had gone through this.  I wanted to connect with other people who understood what we were going through.  There was not much out there that related to our specific situation.  It wasn't until after Jonah's death that I started to find these resources and get connected to communities of support.  

I hope that you never have to go through what we did.  But if you do, or you know someone who does, here are some resources to help along the way.


Websites and Blogs:
All That Love Can Do:  Support for families who continue their pregnancy after fatal diagnosis
allthatlovecando.blogspot.com
Still Standing:  A digital magazine about surviving child loss and infertility.
stillstandingmag.com
Carly Marie Project Heal:  A website for bereaved parents
http://carlymarieprojectheal.com


Articles:
6 Tips for Talking with Parents Who Have Lost a Child
http://stillstandingmag.com/2015/02/6-tips-talking-parents-lost-child/
What I Wish More People Understood About Losing a Child
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-17928/what-i-wish-more-people-understood-about-losing-a-child.html


Facebook Groups:
I Am a Mother to an Angel
All That Love Can Do
Prayers for Shane


Books:
I Will Carry You by Angie Smith
Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg
Heaven by Randy Alcorn

Be You Bravely

Last fall, shortly after Jonah's diagnosis, I joined a moms group called MOPS.  This nationwide organization's theme for fall was "Be You Bravely."  Because of what I was going through, I latched on to that empowering theme, and it became my mantra for a time.  I have never had to be so brave in my life as I was when I carried and delivered Jonah.

A few days ago, I was talking to a friend about a different moms club I joined which is closer to my home.  My friend said she was interested in that club, but was afraid to join all by herself.  She was surprised that I went to the group on my own and joined up without knowing anyone else.  I told her that after going through what I did with Jonah, it's nothing to go to the park by myself!

Sharing this blog with the world is my next step to being brave.  I love writing, and I have kept journals for much of my life; it's part of just "being me."  But to be me bravely, I have to take that to the next level.  I have to share our story with anyone who wants to read it.

There are so many things that I'm just not afraid of anymore.  I had to walk through my deepest fear as a parent-- losing my child.  Compared to that, things that were once scary to me are so trivial now.  Not because I have any strength on my own, but because God has been with me each step of the way.  He gave me the strength I needed to face my worst fear.  If I can get through the death of my child, with God by my side, I know that He will see me through anything this life will throw at me.

Through my relationship with Christ Jesus, I have everything I need to "Be Me Bravely."

Fear not, for I am with you.  Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you, I will help you.  I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.  (Isaiah 41:10, NLT)

Loved Every Moment

Our son, Jonah, was loved and treasured every moment of his life. He did not experience heartbreak, hurt, or loss. He was completely loved from the moment he was born, until the moment he passed on.

I am confident that while Jonah is in heaven, he knows how much we loved him, and how we fought for him to have the chance to live.  We fought for healing everyday in prayer.  At times we even had to fight against doctors for the opportunity to give birth. I'm sure the doctors thought we were crazy to continue carrying a child who had no chance of survival, but we made that choice out of love.  Love for our son, and love for our Heavenly Father, who gave us Jonah to begin with.

A Bereaved Parent's Wish List

From time to time, I will be sharing resources that were given to me at my grief support group.  The journey of grief is sometimes a lonely one, because people do not know how to act around me and my husband.  I hope that sharing these resources will educate our family and friends, so that you have a better idea of how we are feeling and how to interact with us.

This list was compiled by Diane Collins, from The Compassionate Friends, Bay Area group.

1. I wish my child hadn't died.  I wish I had him back.
2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name.  My child lived and was very important to me.  I need to hear that he was important to you also.
3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew it isn't because you have hurt me.  My child's death is the cause of my tears.  You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief.  I thank you for both.
4. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me.  I need you now more than ever.
5. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me.  I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child.
6. I know that you think of me and pray for me often.  I also know that my child's death pains you, too.  I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, text message, card or note, or a really big hug.
7. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months.  These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over.  I will live with the death of my child until the day I die.
8. I am working very hard on my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover.  I will always miss my child and I will always grieve that he is dead.
9. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to just "be happy."  Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.
10. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve.  I must hurt before I can heal.
11. I wish you understood how my life has shattered.  I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable.  Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
12. When I say, "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.
13. I wish you knew that all oft he grief reactions I'm having are very normal.  Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected.  So, please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
14. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice.  However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now.  I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.
15. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly it is not my intent.  Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off.  When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.
16. I wish you understood that grief changes people.  When my child died, a big part of me died with him.  I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.
17. I wish very much that you could understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain.  But I pray that you will never understand.

Because of the circumstances of my loss, there is one thing I would like to add...

18.  I wish you would understand that I am happy about your pregnancy or new baby, but being around you is very hard for me right now.  Seeing your baby reminds me of the little boy I lost, and it fills me with pain.  Please forgive me if I shy away from pregnant bellies or babies, and don't take it personally.

Support Group & Emotional Hangovers

For the past month, my husband and I have been attending a support group for bereaved parents, called Circle of Comfort.  This group is organized by the Hospice in Turlock, California.  While I hate being a part of this exclusive club, it is very meaningful to be in the company of others who understand my pain.

While I was still pregnant with Jonah, I thought that I would eventually get through this and get over losing him.  But I have learned that the grief I feel over Jonah will never completely go away, and I will live with his loss until the day I die.  The other parents in my group have taught me that there is hope, and that it will get easier to live with in time.

Grieving is very hard work.  The work that I have to do emotionally can take a toll on me physically.  Once when I commented on how I feel like my c-section recovery is so slow, a wise friend told me that it will take me longer because I am also grieving.  I have to rest and take care of myself, and be patient with my physical recovery.  Resting is hard for me... I have a 3-year-old daughter, I like to stay busy to keep my mind off grieving, and I miss running so much!

When I return home from my support group, I am exhausted.  The next day I am still drained, and I call it an "emotional hangover."  The emotions from the night before were so intense, that it carries with me the next day.  When I first came home from the hospital in January, I was in a state of emotional hangover for probably 3 weeks.  Thankfully, those days are becoming less frequent.

Sharing Jonah's Story

The main reason I started this blog is to share Jonah's story.  Throughout this whole process,  I have felt that God wants me share this story.  I wasn't sure how, when, or where, but in praying about it, I felt that I should start with a blog.

I do want to share, but speaking this out loud is hard.   I'm not strong enough yet to share without ending up in tears.  I stumble over my words, and the message gets overshadowed by my emotions.  When I write, I can take all the time I need to express things the way I mean to say them.  And if I sit in front of my computer with tears streaming down, that's OK.

My husband, daughter, and I belong to a fellowship group called a "village."  In our village, there are about 10 other families from our church.  We gather together twice a month to fellowship together.  During the fall of 2014, our village decided that each couple would take turns leading a meeting.  Couples could choose whatever spiritual enrichment they wanted to share for their week.  When it was time for Adam and I to lead, we shared our testimonies.

At that time in our church, there were about 8 of us women lined up to have babies one month after another.  I was somewhere in the middle of the group. When it was our week to lead our village, we knew we wanted to share about our pregnancy.  I was scared and intimidated, since there were about 4 new babies in our village at that time, and another couple pregnant moms.  Being around them was really emotional and uncomfortable for me.  But I knew that I had to be vulnerable and share from the heart about my pregnancy.  (Our group already knew our story at that time, but I was going to share in much more detail.)  The night of our village meeting, the power went out!  Praise God for power outages... I was able to share my testimony by candlelight, unable to clearly see the people around me.  Dimming the lights made me bolder, and I was able to share my story.

The following is a portion of my testimony that I shared that night at village.  This was on January 3, 2015.  Little did we know that our son would be born ten days later.

After one blissful year of marriage, our daughter Alice was born.  The adjustment to motherhood was a difficult one for me for many reasons.  I didn't have any experience with babies, I had a long recovery after childbirth, breastfeeding was difficult, and the sleepless nights were miserable!  Looking back now, it was all worth it for Alice, but it was a really hard adjustment.  Adam and I were enjoying every minute with Alice, and we were happy to wait awhile before trying to have another child.  Admittedly, he was ready long before I was... I was in no hurry!

I started praying about having another child.  I was perfectly happy with just Alice, and because of the hard work of parenting, I considered stopping after one child.  But my husband really didn't want to stop there, so I kept praying.  I prayed that God would give me not only the desire, but the courage I needed.  I was honestly scared of becoming pregnant again, because there are so many things that can go wrong.  I was terrified that I might have a miscarriage, or that we might have a child with a birth defect that required extraordinary care.  I kept praying, and finally came to realize a couple things.  I realized that if I didn't at least try to have another child, that I would regret it one day later on in my life.  The timing to become pregnant would never be perfect, but I knew that we had to start trying soon, because of our age.  I also felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to lay down my selfishness.  I felt a promise that if I put my selfishness aside and committed to trying for another child, that God would bless us.

I talked through my feelings with my husband, and very shortly afterwards, we found out that I was pregnant.  God had answered our prayers, and blessed us just as I heard His promise.  In submitting myself to His will for our lives, I was confident that this was His plan.  Little did we know that His plans were so different from our own.

The first half of my pregnancy were pretty uneventful, though we did have one little scare that caused me to slow down and start taking better care of myself.  When it was time for our routine ultrasound at 21 weeks, Adam and I were so excited to find out the gender of the baby.  But within a minute of starting the ultrasound, the technician could tell something was seriously wrong.  We met with a specialist a few days later, who confirmed the diagnosis and encouraged us to end the pregnancy, since our baby didn't have a chance of survival.

While we were in shock for a couple days, we talked about our options and prayed for guidance.  About a week later, we came to the decision of continuing the pregnancy, and here we are at 35 weeks.  We just knew that we could not, in good conscience, end our child's life.  That decision is not ours to make-- it's completely up to God whether this baby is miraculously healed, or if it is taken from us.  I knew that I would not be able to live with the guilt of ending my pregnancy, so I am trusting God each day to care for me and this child. I know that we were supposed to have this baby, and I know that God has a plan to work this situation for good, but I can't comprehend how his plan is going to work out in the end.

I was extremely blessed to get a work excusal note from our doctor, who diagnosed me  with severe depression.  The emotional weight of this pregnancy is about all I can handle.  It has been a huge blessing to be home with Alice and to be able to relax and take care of myself at this time, instead of being stressed out about my job.  I am definitely feeling the effects of people praying for us.  So, PLEASE continue to pray for us!  God is giving me enough strength to get through each day, and though I am afraid of what is to come in a few short weeks, I know that He will be with us to carry us through.

In closing, I want to leave you with a couple passages from the Bible that have been comforting to me during the past few months.

(2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NLT)
That is why we never give up.  Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.  For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long.  Yet they produce for an us immeasurably great glory that will last forever!  So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen.  For the troubles will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever.

(1 Peter 4:12-14,19 NLT)
Dear friends, don't be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you.  Instead, be very glad-- because these trials will make you partners with Christ in his suffering, and afterward you will have the wonderful joy of sharing his glory when it is displayed to all the world.  Be happy if you are insulted for being a Christian, for then the glorious Spirit of God will come upon you... So if you are suffering according to God's will, keep on doing what is right, and trust yourself to the God who made you, for he will never fail you.

In my journey with The Lord, I have learned that He is always with me, and he will carry me through the hardest times as I trust in Him.  "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5 NLT).

Easter 2015

I really missed Jonah today.  It's hard going to church and family functions, knowing that my little boy will always be missing from our gatherings.  Many tears were shed today by this mama.

This morning in church our pastor preached about the resurrection of Jesus on that first Easter morning.  Part of me, the angry part, thinks, Jesus!  You have victory over death!  Why didn't you save my child?  But the grateful part of me thinks,  Thank you, Jesus, for conquering the grave.  In you we have the hope of heaven.  We have the hope of seeing Jonah again on the other side of eternity.  I try to remain grateful, but I know the angry feelings are a normal part of grieving.

This afternoon Adam, Alice, and I went to the cemetery to visit Jonah.  My mom had been by there already and placed a blue sparkly bunny on his grave.  We left some roses cut from my backyard.  I also put up a spring flag behind my grandparents' headstone, which is right next to where Jonah is buried.  I needed to be there to cry today.  Some days I can cry at home, but some days I need to be by Jonah.

Happy Easter, Jonah.  We love you and miss you everyday.

Our Story

Let me start by telling our story-- the short version.  As I continue with this blog, the long version will be told.

My husband, Adam, and I were married in November 2009.  I gave birth to our daughter, Alice, in August 2011.  We found out that I was pregnant with our second child in May of 2014.  Delighted, we shared the news with our family and closest friends.  Alice announced the excitement with a "Big Sister" t-shirt.

We went in for a routine ultrasound at 12 weeks.  We posted photos on Facebook, sharing with everyone that we were expecting our second child.  Though I experienced some bleeding due to placenta previa, it was a pretty normal pregnancy in the beginning.

At 21 weeks, Adam and I went back to the doctor for the next routine ultrasound.  We were so excited because this was the point where we should be able to find out the gender of the baby.  We told our daughter that when we came home that day, we should know if she would have a brother or sister.  We couldn't wait to find out!

One minute into the ultrasound on October 1, 2014, our lives changed forever.  The technician could tell that something was seriously wrong with our baby.  There was no amniotic fluid, suggesting a problem with the baby's kidneys.  At that moment, we were shocked and numb.  We didn't yet understand the gravity of the situation.  Because of the low amniotic fluid, the technician was not able to get very good images of our child, and we were not able to find out the gender.  Our OB/GYN scheduled us an appointment with a specialist to further investigate our baby's problem.

A few days later, we were faced with another ultrasound at the specialist's office.  After waiting in the room for what seemed like an eternity, the specialist came in with the worst news imaginable.  He diagnosed our child with Potter's Syndrome, an extremely rare and fatal disorder.  Babies with Potter's Syndrome have kidneys that do not function properly or never develop, causing a lack of amniotic fluid.  Without amniotic fluid, the lungs do not develop.  The specialist suggested terminating the pregnancy, since our child had zero chance of survival outside the womb.  We shook our heads no.  No, we would not terminate.

After hearing that news and being encouraged to terminate the pregnancy, we wrestled for a few days with our drastically altered future.  Our plans of bringing home a brother or sister for Alice would not happen.  Our child would be born and would never come home from the hospital.  Would it be easier to end this now and try to move on with our lives?

Adam and I are Christians, and we strongly believe that life begins at conception.  We came to understand that it was not our decision to make whether our child would live or die.  We would leave that decision up to God.  He could choose whether to miraculously heal our baby, or to take it home to heaven.  We would not be responsible for that decision.  We would trust God with his plan for our lives.  I would carry our child for as long as I could.

Because of the emotional weight of this pregnancy, and the depression that quickly set in, my doctor gave me a note to excuse me from work for the remainder of my pregnancy.  I couldn't face the students who would daily ask questions about my baby.  At that time, we weren't sure yet how public we should go with our devastating news.  We only told our family and closest friends, and to the rest of the world we pretended everything was OK.

The second half of my pregnancy was a long wait.  I felt like my life was on pause.  We knew our child would die, yet we could not move forward until after the birth.  The grieving process struck me on October 1, diagnosis day.  Shock.  Denial.  Anger.  Depression.  I felt like I was in a fog for weeks.  I stayed home to care for my daughter, Alice, and to take care of myself. That was all I could handle.  Gradually, I started enjoying bits of life, thankful that we had Alice to love on.

At the beginning of January 2015, I started feeling that "nesting instinct" that mothers sometimes feel, but I didn't recognize it as that.  Our due date was February 8, so our baby was not due for another month.  I thought there was no way I could be nesting already.  Yet there I was, frantically organizing cupboards, stocking my freezer, and knitting baby hats.

I went into labor on January 13, and I was in denial the whole time.  This couldn't be REAL labor; my baby was not due for another month.  My husband and his father were at the mortuary at the exact time I went into labor, starting to make arrangements for our baby's funeral.  Certainly the baby wouldn't be born on the same day!  But as the contractions got stronger and closer together, I could no longer deny that it was time.  We left our daughter with my mom, and drove to the hospital.  I was not ready for this to be over.  We were planning to have a scheduled c-section because the baby was breech.  I wasn't supposed to be experiencing labor pains!

Eventually I was prepped for an emergency c-section.  By the time I received my spinal block on the operating table, I was fully dilated and ready to push.  This baby was definitely coming today.  When the doctor arrived and started the surgery, I was so nervous.  We did not know if our child would die during birth, one minute after, or one hour after.  We did not know how much time we would have.  We prayed fervently for peace and for the chance to meet our child alive.

As the doctor announced, "it's a boy!" a huge wave of peace came over me.  The pediatrician took our son to the side for examination.  We could hear him trying to gasp for breath, but his lungs did not work.  Soon, they handed Jonah to us and we knew that we wouldn't have much time with him.  He was not miraculously healed, and he would not be staying with us.

We cuddled and hugged Jonah, loving every precious minute that we had with him.  The doctors placed Jonah right by my face as they stitched me up.  I can't remember what I said to Jonah, if anything at all.  I just remember the immense feeling of peace we had in the operating room.  To have peace in the face of my son's death was a tremendous gift from God.

After the surgery was over, I was wheeled to the recovery room with my son in my arms.  He was still alive, and the pediatrician kept checking his heartbeat, which was gradually slowing down.  After getting situated in my room, my husband went out to get our parents so they could meet Jonah.  The pediatrician had to take Jonah for an ultrasound, to confirm the diagnosis of Potter's Syndrome.  When they brought him back to me, he was gone.  Jonah lived for 55 minutes.  I did not cry; I was still filled with an otherworldly peace.  A peace that surpasses all understanding.

When my husband and our parents came in, I told them that Jonah had passed.  I told my family that there was no crying allowed; we were going to celebrate Jonah's birth.  We proudly passed around our son, taking pictures of him with each family member.  A photographer from the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep organization was there to capture these precious memories with our son.  Sadly, our daughter, Alice, did not get to meet Jonah.  He was born late at night while she was asleep.

After a while our family left, and we were taken to the mother/baby unit with our son.  We held Jonah for a few more hours, and eventually felt it was time to say goodbye.  A nurse took him away, and assured him that we would be able to see him again whenever we wanted.  Even though he was no longer with us, I was comforted knowing he was nearby in the hospital, and I could see him again.

The next evening, we took our last look at our beautiful son.  The nurse had him all wrapped up so we could just see his little face.  She held him up for us to see, and we said goodbye.

Introduction

"Do you just have one child?"

Caught off guard, I hesitated a moment, then answered, "Yes."

But my heart screamed, "No!"

Such a simple question asked by the mom at the park, as she saw my daughter, Alice, playing.  A year ago, it would have been a simple answer:  yes, I have one child.  Today, the answer is not so easy.  Yes, I have one living child.  But I have given birth to two children.  My son, Jonah, is in heaven, and I started grieving his loss even before he was born.

Join me on my journey of celebrating Jonah's life and walking through the valley of grief.