Milestones

It's been awhile since I've been here.  A close friend commented that I must be doing well, since I haven't written much lately.  I've been busy, enjoying summer with my family, but I don't know about doing well.  I try to be strong, but I am hurting.  Maybe I will always hurt.  If you ask me how I'm doing, I'll probably say "OK," but I hurt.  The busyness of summer has kind of caused me to set my feelings aside, so not dealing with those emotions is catching up to me.

My husband is a teacher, so we've all been home together for summer vacation.  It has been a blast working on projects (my husband built me a pond!), spending quality time together with family, and having time to do things we wouldn't normally be able to do.

I was so busy doing "summer" that I missed Jonah's half-birthday.  (I come from a small family, so we celebrate half-birthdays!)  I was aware that it was coming up a few weeks before, but I forgot about it until the day after because I didn't have it on my calendar.  This brought up conflicting emotions for me.  On the one hand, I felt like a terrible mother-- how could I forget my son's half-birthday!?!?  On the other hand, I was grateful that I didn't think of it ahead of time, because the anticipation of milestones is the worst part for me.

Take Mother's Day, for example.  For weeks I dreaded it, thinking about how difficult it was going to be for me.  I would get a stomach ache just thinking about the upcoming holiday.  But when Mother's Day actually came, I was fine!  A little sad, but not devastated.  I knew that I needed to take care of myself that day by keeping busy, and I survived it.

So the day after Jonah's half-birthday, my husband, daughter, and I took a picnic to the cemetery.  My daughter is collecting Minions toys from Happy Meals right now.  She got a duplicate that day in our McDonald's picnic.  She wanted to leave it there at the cemetery for Jonah as a half-birthday present.  What a sweet big sister!

So maybe it was a blessing in disguise that I remembered Jonah's half-birthday a day late.  I didn't have the sick feeling in my stomach because of the anticipation, and our family still got to celebrate together with a picnic at the cemetery.

We miss you, Jonah, and think about you everyday!