The main reason I started this blog is to share Jonah's story. Throughout this whole process, I have felt that God wants me share this story. I wasn't sure how, when, or where, but in praying about it, I felt that I should start with a blog.
I do want to share, but speaking this out loud is hard. I'm not strong enough yet to share without ending up in tears. I stumble over my words, and the message gets overshadowed by my emotions. When I write, I can take all the time I need to express things the way I mean to say them. And if I sit in front of my computer with tears streaming down, that's OK.
My husband, daughter, and I belong to a fellowship group called a "village." In our village, there are about 10 other families from our church. We gather together twice a month to fellowship together. During the fall of 2014, our village decided that each couple would take turns leading a meeting. Couples could choose whatever spiritual enrichment they wanted to share for their week. When it was time for Adam and I to lead, we shared our testimonies.
At that time in our church, there were about 8 of us women lined up to have babies one month after another. I was somewhere in the middle of the group. When it was our week to lead our village, we knew we wanted to share about our pregnancy. I was scared and intimidated, since there were about 4 new babies in our village at that time, and another couple pregnant moms. Being around them was really emotional and uncomfortable for me. But I knew that I had to be vulnerable and share from the heart about my pregnancy. (Our group already knew our story at that time, but I was going to share in much more detail.) The night of our village meeting, the power went out! Praise God for power outages... I was able to share my testimony by candlelight, unable to clearly see the people around me. Dimming the lights made me bolder, and I was able to share my story.
The following is a portion of my testimony that I shared that night at village. This was on January 3, 2015. Little did we know that our son would be born ten days later.
After one blissful year of marriage, our daughter Alice was born. The adjustment to motherhood was a difficult one for me for many reasons. I didn't have any experience with babies, I had a long recovery after childbirth, breastfeeding was difficult, and the sleepless nights were miserable! Looking back now, it was all worth it for Alice, but it was a really hard adjustment. Adam and I were enjoying every minute with Alice, and we were happy to wait awhile before trying to have another child. Admittedly, he was ready long before I was... I was in no hurry!
I started praying about having another child. I was perfectly happy with just Alice, and because of the hard work of parenting, I considered stopping after one child. But my husband really didn't want to stop there, so I kept praying. I prayed that God would give me not only the desire, but the courage I needed. I was honestly scared of becoming pregnant again, because there are so many things that can go wrong. I was terrified that I might have a miscarriage, or that we might have a child with a birth defect that required extraordinary care. I kept praying, and finally came to realize a couple things. I realized that if I didn't at least try to have another child, that I would regret it one day later on in my life. The timing to become pregnant would never be perfect, but I knew that we had to start trying soon, because of our age. I also felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to lay down my selfishness. I felt a promise that if I put my selfishness aside and committed to trying for another child, that God would bless us.
I talked through my feelings with my husband, and very shortly afterwards, we found out that I was pregnant. God had answered our prayers, and blessed us just as I heard His promise. In submitting myself to His will for our lives, I was confident that this was His plan. Little did we know that His plans were so different from our own.
The first half of my pregnancy were pretty uneventful, though we did have one little scare that caused me to slow down and start taking better care of myself. When it was time for our routine ultrasound at 21 weeks, Adam and I were so excited to find out the gender of the baby. But within a minute of starting the ultrasound, the technician could tell something was seriously wrong. We met with a specialist a few days later, who confirmed the diagnosis and encouraged us to end the pregnancy, since our baby didn't have a chance of survival.
While we were in shock for a couple days, we talked about our options and prayed for guidance. About a week later, we came to the decision of continuing the pregnancy, and here we are at 35 weeks. We just knew that we could not, in good conscience, end our child's life. That decision is not ours to make-- it's completely up to God whether this baby is miraculously healed, or if it is taken from us. I knew that I would not be able to live with the guilt of ending my pregnancy, so I am trusting God each day to care for me and this child. I know that we were supposed to have this baby, and I know that God has a plan to work this situation for good, but I can't comprehend how his plan is going to work out in the end.
I was extremely blessed to get a work excusal note from our doctor, who diagnosed me with severe depression. The emotional weight of this pregnancy is about all I can handle. It has been a huge blessing to be home with Alice and to be able to relax and take care of myself at this time, instead of being stressed out about my job. I am definitely feeling the effects of people praying for us. So, PLEASE continue to pray for us! God is giving me enough strength to get through each day, and though I am afraid of what is to come in a few short weeks, I know that He will be with us to carry us through.
In closing, I want to leave you with a couple passages from the Bible that have been comforting to me during the past few months.
(2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NLT)
That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for an us immeasurably great glory that will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever.
(1 Peter 4:12-14,19 NLT)
Dear friends, don't be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. Instead, be very glad-- because these trials will make you partners with Christ in his suffering, and afterward you will have the wonderful joy of sharing his glory when it is displayed to all the world. Be happy if you are insulted for being a Christian, for then the glorious Spirit of God will come upon you... So if you are suffering according to God's will, keep on doing what is right, and trust yourself to the God who made you, for he will never fail you.
In my journey with The Lord, I have learned that He is always with me, and he will carry me through the hardest times as I trust in Him. "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5 NLT).
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