Last fall, shortly after Jonah's diagnosis, I joined a moms group called MOPS. This nationwide organization's theme for fall was "Be You Bravely." Because of what I was going through, I latched on to that empowering theme, and it became my mantra for a time. I have never had to be so brave in my life as I was when I carried and delivered Jonah.
A few days ago, I was talking to a friend about a different moms club I joined which is closer to my home. My friend said she was interested in that club, but was afraid to join all by herself. She was surprised that I went to the group on my own and joined up without knowing anyone else. I told her that after going through what I did with Jonah, it's nothing to go to the park by myself!
Sharing this blog with the world is my next step to being brave. I love writing, and I have kept journals for much of my life; it's part of just "being me." But to be me bravely, I have to take that to the next level. I have to share our story with anyone who wants to read it.
There are so many things that I'm just not afraid of anymore. I had to walk through my deepest fear as a parent-- losing my child. Compared to that, things that were once scary to me are so trivial now. Not because I have any strength on my own, but because God has been with me each step of the way. He gave me the strength I needed to face my worst fear. If I can get through the death of my child, with God by my side, I know that He will see me through anything this life will throw at me.
Through my relationship with Christ Jesus, I have everything I need to "Be Me Bravely."
Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand. (Isaiah 41:10, NLT)
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Loved Every Moment
Our son, Jonah, was loved and treasured every moment of his life. He did not experience heartbreak, hurt, or loss. He was completely loved from the moment he was born, until the moment he passed on.
I am confident that while Jonah is in heaven, he knows how much we loved him, and how we fought for him to have the chance to live. We fought for healing everyday in prayer. At times we even had to fight against doctors for the opportunity to give birth. I'm sure the doctors thought we were crazy to continue carrying a child who had no chance of survival, but we made that choice out of love. Love for our son, and love for our Heavenly Father, who gave us Jonah to begin with.
Monday, April 20, 2015
A Bereaved Parent's Wish List
From time to time, I will be sharing resources that were given to me at my grief support group. The journey of grief is sometimes a lonely one, because people do not know how to act around me and my husband. I hope that sharing these resources will educate our family and friends, so that you have a better idea of how we are feeling and how to interact with us.
This list was compiled by Diane Collins, from The Compassionate Friends, Bay Area group.
This list was compiled by Diane Collins, from The Compassionate Friends, Bay Area group.
- I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.
- I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.
- If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
- Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
- I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child.
- I know that you think of me and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, text message, card or note, or a really big hug.
- I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will live with the death of my child until the day I die.
- I am working very hard on my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child and I will always grieve that he is dead.
- I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to just "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.
- I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
- I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
- When I say, "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.
- I wish you knew that all oft he grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So, please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
- Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.
- Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly it is not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.
- I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.
- I wish very much that you could understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. But I pray that you will never understand.
Because of the circumstances of my loss, there is one thing I would like to add...
18. I wish you would understand that I am happy about your pregnancy or new baby, but being around you is very hard for me right now. Seeing your baby reminds me of the little boy I lost, and it fills me with pain. Please forgive me if I shy away from pregnant bellies or babies, and don't take it personally.
Support Group & Emotional Hangovers
For the past month, my husband and I have been attending a support group for bereaved parents, called Circle of Comfort. This group is organized by the Hospice in Turlock, California. While I hate being a part of this exclusive club, it is very meaningful to be in the company of others who understand my pain.
While I was still pregnant with Jonah, I thought that I would eventually get through this and get over losing him. But I have learned that the grief I feel over Jonah will never completely go away, and I will live with his loss until the day I die. The other parents in my group have taught me that there is hope, and that it will get easier to live with in time.
Grieving is very hard work. The work that I have to do emotionally can take a toll on me physically. Once when I commented on how I feel like my c-section recovery is so slow, a wise friend told me that it will take me longer because I am also grieving. I have to rest and take care of myself, and be patient with my physical recovery. Resting is hard for me... I have a 3-year-old daughter, I like to stay busy to keep my mind off grieving, and I miss running so much!
When I return home from my support group, I am exhausted. The next day I am still drained, and I call it an "emotional hangover." The emotions from the night before were so intense, that it carries with me the next day. When I first came home from the hospital in January, I was in a state of emotional hangover for probably 3 weeks. Thankfully, those days are becoming less frequent.
While I was still pregnant with Jonah, I thought that I would eventually get through this and get over losing him. But I have learned that the grief I feel over Jonah will never completely go away, and I will live with his loss until the day I die. The other parents in my group have taught me that there is hope, and that it will get easier to live with in time.
Grieving is very hard work. The work that I have to do emotionally can take a toll on me physically. Once when I commented on how I feel like my c-section recovery is so slow, a wise friend told me that it will take me longer because I am also grieving. I have to rest and take care of myself, and be patient with my physical recovery. Resting is hard for me... I have a 3-year-old daughter, I like to stay busy to keep my mind off grieving, and I miss running so much!
When I return home from my support group, I am exhausted. The next day I am still drained, and I call it an "emotional hangover." The emotions from the night before were so intense, that it carries with me the next day. When I first came home from the hospital in January, I was in a state of emotional hangover for probably 3 weeks. Thankfully, those days are becoming less frequent.
Monday, April 6, 2015
Sharing Jonah's Story
The main reason I started this blog is to share Jonah's story. Throughout this whole process, I have felt that God wants me share this story. I wasn't sure how, when, or where, but in praying about it, I felt that I should start with a blog.
I do want to share, but speaking this out loud is hard. I'm not strong enough yet to share without ending up in tears. I stumble over my words, and the message gets overshadowed by my emotions. When I write, I can take all the time I need to express things the way I mean to say them. And if I sit in front of my computer with tears streaming down, that's OK.
My husband, daughter, and I belong to a fellowship group called a "village." In our village, there are about 10 other families from our church. We gather together twice a month to fellowship together. During the fall of 2014, our village decided that each couple would take turns leading a meeting. Couples could choose whatever spiritual enrichment they wanted to share for their week. When it was time for Adam and I to lead, we shared our testimonies.
At that time in our church, there were about 8 of us women lined up to have babies one month after another. I was somewhere in the middle of the group. When it was our week to lead our village, we knew we wanted to share about our pregnancy. I was scared and intimidated, since there were about 4 new babies in our village at that time, and another couple pregnant moms. Being around them was really emotional and uncomfortable for me. But I knew that I had to be vulnerable and share from the heart about my pregnancy. (Our group already knew our story at that time, but I was going to share in much more detail.) The night of our village meeting, the power went out! Praise God for power outages... I was able to share my testimony by candlelight, unable to clearly see the people around me. Dimming the lights made me bolder, and I was able to share my story.
The following is a portion of my testimony that I shared that night at village. This was on January 3, 2015. Little did we know that our son would be born ten days later.
After one blissful year of marriage, our daughter Alice was born. The adjustment to motherhood was a difficult one for me for many reasons. I didn't have any experience with babies, I had a long recovery after childbirth, breastfeeding was difficult, and the sleepless nights were miserable! Looking back now, it was all worth it for Alice, but it was a really hard adjustment. Adam and I were enjoying every minute with Alice, and we were happy to wait awhile before trying to have another child. Admittedly, he was ready long before I was... I was in no hurry!
I started praying about having another child. I was perfectly happy with just Alice, and because of the hard work of parenting, I considered stopping after one child. But my husband really didn't want to stop there, so I kept praying. I prayed that God would give me not only the desire, but the courage I needed. I was honestly scared of becoming pregnant again, because there are so many things that can go wrong. I was terrified that I might have a miscarriage, or that we might have a child with a birth defect that required extraordinary care. I kept praying, and finally came to realize a couple things. I realized that if I didn't at least try to have another child, that I would regret it one day later on in my life. The timing to become pregnant would never be perfect, but I knew that we had to start trying soon, because of our age. I also felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to lay down my selfishness. I felt a promise that if I put my selfishness aside and committed to trying for another child, that God would bless us.
I talked through my feelings with my husband, and very shortly afterwards, we found out that I was pregnant. God had answered our prayers, and blessed us just as I heard His promise. In submitting myself to His will for our lives, I was confident that this was His plan. Little did we know that His plans were so different from our own.
The first half of my pregnancy were pretty uneventful, though we did have one little scare that caused me to slow down and start taking better care of myself. When it was time for our routine ultrasound at 21 weeks, Adam and I were so excited to find out the gender of the baby. But within a minute of starting the ultrasound, the technician could tell something was seriously wrong. We met with a specialist a few days later, who confirmed the diagnosis and encouraged us to end the pregnancy, since our baby didn't have a chance of survival.
While we were in shock for a couple days, we talked about our options and prayed for guidance. About a week later, we came to the decision of continuing the pregnancy, and here we are at 35 weeks. We just knew that we could not, in good conscience, end our child's life. That decision is not ours to make-- it's completely up to God whether this baby is miraculously healed, or if it is taken from us. I knew that I would not be able to live with the guilt of ending my pregnancy, so I am trusting God each day to care for me and this child. I know that we were supposed to have this baby, and I know that God has a plan to work this situation for good, but I can't comprehend how his plan is going to work out in the end.
I was extremely blessed to get a work excusal note from our doctor, who diagnosed me with severe depression. The emotional weight of this pregnancy is about all I can handle. It has been a huge blessing to be home with Alice and to be able to relax and take care of myself at this time, instead of being stressed out about my job. I am definitely feeling the effects of people praying for us. So, PLEASE continue to pray for us! God is giving me enough strength to get through each day, and though I am afraid of what is to come in a few short weeks, I know that He will be with us to carry us through.
In closing, I want to leave you with a couple passages from the Bible that have been comforting to me during the past few months.
(2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NLT)
That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for an us immeasurably great glory that will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever.
(1 Peter 4:12-14,19 NLT)
Dear friends, don't be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. Instead, be very glad-- because these trials will make you partners with Christ in his suffering, and afterward you will have the wonderful joy of sharing his glory when it is displayed to all the world. Be happy if you are insulted for being a Christian, for then the glorious Spirit of God will come upon you... So if you are suffering according to God's will, keep on doing what is right, and trust yourself to the God who made you, for he will never fail you.
In my journey with The Lord, I have learned that He is always with me, and he will carry me through the hardest times as I trust in Him. "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5 NLT).
I do want to share, but speaking this out loud is hard. I'm not strong enough yet to share without ending up in tears. I stumble over my words, and the message gets overshadowed by my emotions. When I write, I can take all the time I need to express things the way I mean to say them. And if I sit in front of my computer with tears streaming down, that's OK.
My husband, daughter, and I belong to a fellowship group called a "village." In our village, there are about 10 other families from our church. We gather together twice a month to fellowship together. During the fall of 2014, our village decided that each couple would take turns leading a meeting. Couples could choose whatever spiritual enrichment they wanted to share for their week. When it was time for Adam and I to lead, we shared our testimonies.
At that time in our church, there were about 8 of us women lined up to have babies one month after another. I was somewhere in the middle of the group. When it was our week to lead our village, we knew we wanted to share about our pregnancy. I was scared and intimidated, since there were about 4 new babies in our village at that time, and another couple pregnant moms. Being around them was really emotional and uncomfortable for me. But I knew that I had to be vulnerable and share from the heart about my pregnancy. (Our group already knew our story at that time, but I was going to share in much more detail.) The night of our village meeting, the power went out! Praise God for power outages... I was able to share my testimony by candlelight, unable to clearly see the people around me. Dimming the lights made me bolder, and I was able to share my story.
The following is a portion of my testimony that I shared that night at village. This was on January 3, 2015. Little did we know that our son would be born ten days later.
After one blissful year of marriage, our daughter Alice was born. The adjustment to motherhood was a difficult one for me for many reasons. I didn't have any experience with babies, I had a long recovery after childbirth, breastfeeding was difficult, and the sleepless nights were miserable! Looking back now, it was all worth it for Alice, but it was a really hard adjustment. Adam and I were enjoying every minute with Alice, and we were happy to wait awhile before trying to have another child. Admittedly, he was ready long before I was... I was in no hurry!
I started praying about having another child. I was perfectly happy with just Alice, and because of the hard work of parenting, I considered stopping after one child. But my husband really didn't want to stop there, so I kept praying. I prayed that God would give me not only the desire, but the courage I needed. I was honestly scared of becoming pregnant again, because there are so many things that can go wrong. I was terrified that I might have a miscarriage, or that we might have a child with a birth defect that required extraordinary care. I kept praying, and finally came to realize a couple things. I realized that if I didn't at least try to have another child, that I would regret it one day later on in my life. The timing to become pregnant would never be perfect, but I knew that we had to start trying soon, because of our age. I also felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to lay down my selfishness. I felt a promise that if I put my selfishness aside and committed to trying for another child, that God would bless us.
I talked through my feelings with my husband, and very shortly afterwards, we found out that I was pregnant. God had answered our prayers, and blessed us just as I heard His promise. In submitting myself to His will for our lives, I was confident that this was His plan. Little did we know that His plans were so different from our own.
The first half of my pregnancy were pretty uneventful, though we did have one little scare that caused me to slow down and start taking better care of myself. When it was time for our routine ultrasound at 21 weeks, Adam and I were so excited to find out the gender of the baby. But within a minute of starting the ultrasound, the technician could tell something was seriously wrong. We met with a specialist a few days later, who confirmed the diagnosis and encouraged us to end the pregnancy, since our baby didn't have a chance of survival.
While we were in shock for a couple days, we talked about our options and prayed for guidance. About a week later, we came to the decision of continuing the pregnancy, and here we are at 35 weeks. We just knew that we could not, in good conscience, end our child's life. That decision is not ours to make-- it's completely up to God whether this baby is miraculously healed, or if it is taken from us. I knew that I would not be able to live with the guilt of ending my pregnancy, so I am trusting God each day to care for me and this child. I know that we were supposed to have this baby, and I know that God has a plan to work this situation for good, but I can't comprehend how his plan is going to work out in the end.
I was extremely blessed to get a work excusal note from our doctor, who diagnosed me with severe depression. The emotional weight of this pregnancy is about all I can handle. It has been a huge blessing to be home with Alice and to be able to relax and take care of myself at this time, instead of being stressed out about my job. I am definitely feeling the effects of people praying for us. So, PLEASE continue to pray for us! God is giving me enough strength to get through each day, and though I am afraid of what is to come in a few short weeks, I know that He will be with us to carry us through.
In closing, I want to leave you with a couple passages from the Bible that have been comforting to me during the past few months.
(2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NLT)
That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for an us immeasurably great glory that will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever.
(1 Peter 4:12-14,19 NLT)
Dear friends, don't be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. Instead, be very glad-- because these trials will make you partners with Christ in his suffering, and afterward you will have the wonderful joy of sharing his glory when it is displayed to all the world. Be happy if you are insulted for being a Christian, for then the glorious Spirit of God will come upon you... So if you are suffering according to God's will, keep on doing what is right, and trust yourself to the God who made you, for he will never fail you.
In my journey with The Lord, I have learned that He is always with me, and he will carry me through the hardest times as I trust in Him. "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5 NLT).
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Easter 2015
I really missed Jonah today. It's hard going to church and family functions, knowing that my little boy will always be missing from our gatherings. Many tears were shed today by this mama.
This morning in church our pastor preached about the resurrection of Jesus on that first Easter morning. Part of me, the angry part, thinks, Jesus! You have victory over death! Why didn't you save my child? But the grateful part of me thinks, Thank you, Jesus, for conquering the grave. In you we have the hope of heaven. We have the hope of seeing Jonah again on the other side of eternity. I try to remain grateful, but I know the angry feelings are a normal part of grieving.
This afternoon Adam, Alice, and I went to the cemetery to visit Jonah. My mom had been by there already and placed a blue sparkly bunny on his grave. We left some roses cut from my backyard. I also put up a spring flag behind my grandparents' headstone, which is right next to where Jonah is buried. I needed to be there to cry today. Some days I can cry at home, but some days I need to be by Jonah.
Happy Easter, Jonah. We love you and miss you everyday.
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