Peace in the Shadow of Death

This post comes straight from my devotional journal, dated 5/1/15.

"Because of God's tender mercy, the light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace."  (Luke 1:78-79 NLT)

If I could choose one Bible verse to describe our experience in the delivery room, this would be it.  Before Jonah was born, and I was waiting on the operating table, I was terrified of the unknown.  We were trembling in darkness, afraid to face the shadow of death that we knew would soon be upon us.  During the first part of my c-section, I have never prayed more fervently in my entire life!  As soon as Jonah was out and the doctor said "It's a boy," Adam and I were both hit so hard with God's peace.  It was so profound, it was like a physical impact, the wave of calm rushing over me.  I was no longer afraid, just resting in God's will for the life of my son.  God truly gave us peace in the midst of the shadow of death.

Wisdom from Daniel Tiger

One of my favorite shows to watch with Alice is Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood on PBS.  In each episode, there is a little song they keep repeating as Daniel Tiger learns some kind of lesson. The song we heard today went like this:

If something seems bad, turn it around, and find something good!

The thing about these songs is they get stuck in your head after just one episode, because of the repetition. I found myself humming this tune throughout the day, and then reflected on it while I was out for a walk this evening. 

Losing our son is something so bad, but we are determined to make something good out of it. After hearing my husband share our story in church, and sharing on my blog, I feel bold! I'm not afraid to share anymore, and I know it is Christ who gives me the strength. 

One personal blessing that has come of this tragedy is that I am able to stay home and raise my 3-year-old daughter, Alice, until she starts kindergarten. 

When our son passed away, we set up a memorial fund at Hilmar Christian Children's Center, not knowing what the funds would go to. Our family was thrilled to learn that a playhouse would be provided for the children in memory of Jonah.

I want my son's life to have meaning, and I pray that others might be touched somehow because of his existence. (I know I will never be the same!) Adam and I have recently started brainstorming about possibly setting up a scholarship fund in Jonah's memory. And since I am a runner, I would like to put on a virtual race in the future, in honor of Jonah. I am excited about the possible ways my son's brief life can still leave a legacy.

When I opened up a devotional email before bed, I came across a Bible verse that spoke to me:

May you fight for redemption of your pain so that you can say, "God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering." (Genesis 41:52)

God has definitely been working in me and my husband, to make this experience fruitful in our lives. As Christians, we will have trials, but God can use them for his good purpose, if only we will let him. We don't fully understand God's purpose, but we know he will use this for his glory.

Bereaved Mother's Day

Did you know... today is international bereaved mother's day?  I didn't know, either!  I just happened to see something about it on Facebook this evening.  I think it is a pretty neat coincidence that Adam shared Jonah's story in church this morning.

I want to give a shout out to my grief support group, and say happy bereaved mother's day to us!


http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/05/international-bereaved-mothers-day.html

Adam's Sermon Notes

Today's guest blogger is my husband, Adam!  This morning he shared our story with our church family at Enclave Community Church.  Thanks to my cousin, Alan, you can watch this sermon on YouTube by clicking this link-- https://youtu.be/wQ8Ftpy-1-s

I am so proud of my husband for boldly proclaiming our story of God's faithfulness.  Like Adam mentioned in church, he felt called to share with our congregation, and I felt called to share on this blog.  This morning was the unveiling of my blog address, as you can see here!

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1)  God puts trials in your life

John 16:33--I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace.  In the world you will have tribulation.  But the take heart; I have overcome the world.

Romans 12:12--Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

*This all began a while ago.  After much prayer, we felt called to have a second child.  We struggled at times with Alice and just had tremendous respect for parents of multiple children because we didn’t know how they could do it.  I decided to work through my prep period for a school year in order to get the money needed for Danae to take an extended time off from work to have a second child.  Once we felt that God was wanting us to have another child, it wasn’t long before Danae was pregnant. 

* The first half of the pregnancy was pretty normal and went by pretty fast because taking care of Alice was taking all of our attention.  However, we just felt God’s hand over us in protection.

* Then came our 20-week ultrasound.  We were giddy with excitement because we were going to find out the gender of our second child.  We began to get Alice’s old room ready for the new arrival and we were really beginning to enjoy the thought of having two children.  However, once the ultrasound began, the technician became very quiet and told us there was something seriously wrong.  There was a very low amount of amniotic fluid and the technician could not find our baby’s kidneys.  The doctor recommended that we see a specialist right away and would not comment on the situation until more information was known. 

* All I could feel was shock.  We were in a daze and were in constant prayer.  Although we were able to see the specialist two days later, I really do not remember much from those two days except the overriding feeling that this should not be happening.

* After going in for another ultrasound with the specialist, he told us our baby had a condition called Potter’s Syndrome.  Without going into too much detail, it meant that our baby would grow to full term and then die right after birth.  There was no chance of survival and he highly recommended that we terminate the pregnancy right now.   Not only was there no chance of survival for our baby, but Danae had an increased chance of pre-eclampsia, which could lead to death.  To him, this was a no-brainer for us to end the pregnancy.

* We were devastated!  Why would God put it in our hearts to have another child when this was the outcome!  We prayed deeply for the next couple of days on what we should do.   After much prayer, we felt called to continue the pregnancy because we felt we had no right to make that decision in the first place.

*  However, it was not an easy choice.  It was probably the hardest choice in our lives.  I remember wanting a miscarraige.  That is not to make light of anyone who has gone through such a tragedy.  However, with a miscarriage, we could begin the grieving process.  Instead, we were going to spend the next four months waiting for the death of our child.  We were going to have people constantly asking us about the pregnancy, I mean, what else are you going to talk about with a pregnant woman?  Every time the baby kicked, we would feel joy and then a huge amount of sadness.  Being teachers, students would constantly ask about the baby.  It felt like an open wound that would not begin to heal for months on its own. 

* We decided for Danae to take the rest of the school year off.  We were lucky that our primary doctor wrote Danae an extended note of bed rest to help us. 

* As far as telling people, we let our family in, and we let some of our close friends in on this fact.  But we couldn’t bring ourselves to tell everybody because we could not handle people seeing us and seeing the death that was around us.  I deflected questions from my students and even had to deal with a baby shower from my school, which honestly tore me up inside.

* Although few people have experienced this, everyone has experienced loss, and everyone goes through trials.  That brings me to my next point:

2) Put your faith in God

Romans 8:28 --And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose.

1 Peter 5:9--Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

1 Thessalonians 3:7-- Therefore, brothers and sisters, in all our distress and persecution we were encouraged about you because of your faith.

* First let me mention that by putting our faith in God, the pain did not go away.  We struggled, we wondered why us?  But as we prayed, we knew that God had a plan.  I know that everyone going through pain and trials do not want to hear that God has a plan.  However, God’s plan has never been about just you or me, He has a plan to work through countless lives to bring about saving grace for anyone He chooses.  Basically, His plan is not about us, it’s about Him.  And the more we are in communion with God, the more we get to see His grace and plan extended to people all around us.  We don’t know the plan and don’t understand it, but He was going to work miracles through it all.
*God is faithful.  I cannot stress this enough.  He was (and is) by my side every step of the way. 

3) Pray for God’s miracles

Psalm 4:1-- Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God.  Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.

Psalm 145:18-- The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth.

Matthew 7:11-- If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!

* When we prayed, we prayed for Jonah to be healed, but more than that, we prayed for God’s will to be done.  We prayed for miracles from God in the entirety of the situation. 

* Personally for me, I would get mad when some people told me or Danae that they knew God was going to perform the miracle of healing Jonah.  I was mad because it seemed like there was only one miracle that could happen, and if our child wasn’t healed, then God did nothing.

* Let me say this as clearly as possible…God performed countless miracles.   Here are just some of those miracles and blessings:

• Danae had just finished knitting Jonah’s hat a couple of days before delivery
• Danae had organized everything in the house (including freezer meals) the week before Jonah was born. We just picked out a boy outfit at Target a few days before (not knowing Jonah was a boy).
• Danae had just pulled out a special baby blanket from our storage.
•  I had federal jury duty that was postponed from Jan. 20^th to April.
• We just took down all the Christmas decorations a day or two before.
• Danae and I had shared our testimonies at our village [fellowship group] the last time we met before Jonah's delivery.
• We met with a talented photographer who volunteers for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, an organization that takes pictures of children who pass away right after their birth.  Not only did she give us free maternity photos three days before the delivery, she also came at 1:00 in the morning to take pictures right after Jonah passed away, instead of in the morning.
•  We met the OB/GYN doctor who performed the c-section the day before Danae went into labor.
• I was at the funeral home with my dad, starting to get the paperwork done when Danae went into labor.
• The delivery was three weeks early.  This was a huge blessing because we did not have to set a death date for our child.  It also answered Danae’s prayers, who was having a real hard time in the last trimester due to the low amniotic fluid.
• My brother Colby actually answered his phone (he is notorious for not answering calls for days) and was there at the hospital, along with our parents that night.
• Allowing Danae to be awake during the c-section.  Since it was an emergency c-section, there was a debate whether they would have to put Danae under during the operation which would not allow her to experience Jonah’s time here.
• We did not find out Jonah’s gender until his birth (after not knowing from 7 or 8 ultrasounds).
•  I had always wanted to have a son, and it was truly a blessing to have one!  I told Danae that night that I felt our family was complete after Jonah.
• We got to spend an hour with Jonah, when the pediatrician told us he might die within a minute of birth.
• Jonah was born and passed away right at the end of January 13^th, meaning that he did not die on my father-in-law’s birthday.
•  God gave us a supernatural peace throughout the night.  Even when we called our family in to see Jonah (after he passed), Danae told everyone to not cry, that it was a celebration.
•  During the memorial service, God blessed our music leader Tim during the service.  He told me afterwards that during the service, he had a vision of Jonah thanking him in heaven for the music that he played.
• Also, God provided pastor Brandon with a new sermon the morning of the memorial service which he proclaimed with boldness to the people who attended.  It was such a great sermon because it not only honored Jonah, but more importantly, it honored God!
• With the donations that people made in Jonah’s name to the Hilmar Christian Children’s Center, they were able to build an outdoor playhouse for the children, called Jonah’s Schoolhouse [more on that in another blog post].

When you look at the small things, you see that God was abundantly pouring out blessings onto our family in the midst of the hardest times in our life.  God is faithful!  We have been blessed abundantly by God and are now living more by faith.  One decision that we have made in faith is that Danae is staying home to raise Alice and we are currently living on one income.  [Temporarily, on a leave of absence from her school district.]  She is truly enjoying her time as a mother, and this would not have been possible without trusting in God’s provision.

4) Get connected with the church

Hebrews 10: 24-25-- And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

* As I mentioned before, as soon as we found out of Jonah’s condition, we told our parents of the situation.  Aside from our family and closest friends, however, it was the church that helped strengthen us through the process.  Even during that fateful ultrasound, I was texting Pastor Brandon and Nathan (the other members of my small group) to pray for us.  Danae had help from her small group as well.  It wasn’t long before we let our village into the circle.

* We did not let everybody into the circle, but we had people constantly praying and supporting us through the process.  It helped in having people know the pain we are going through and offer encouragement along the way.  We know that we have felt the prayers from people to help us in the process.

* I need to mention that the church really helped us with meals after Jonah’s passing.  Our friends helped organize meals from the church and family that basically fed us for a month.  We felt truly blessed for people’s support and know it was another blessing from God!

* True fellowship with believers is one facet in which I get to enjoy God here on Earth.  But true fellowship invovles allowing people to see both the triumphs and the tragedies.  We need to be in communion with God and believers and show them our brokenness. 

5) We are broken (even more than before)

Psalm 147:3-- He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Matthew 11:28-30-- Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

*While Danae was still pregnant, I thought that Jonah’s death would be something that I would get over, something that I would move on from.  One thing that I am learning is I will never get over this.  I am broken, even more than before, and I think it is a way God is reminding me that I must be dependent on Him at all times.  We had to realize and accept our brokenness to start healing.  When people ask Danae how she is doing, she will often say, “I’m going to be a mess for a while and I’m learning to be OK with that.” 

*We still are reminded of Jonah everytime we see a baby or an expectant mother, and it is the reason you always see me and Danae sitting at the front of the church.

* This is the reason why Danae is not leading worship right now.  The emotions are still too raw for her, and she cannot yet sing without crying.

*Going through this journey has been a lonely one at times, because no one knows exactly how we are feeling.  People have been uncomfortable around us and do not know what to say, which is totally understandable.  Before this experience, I would not have known what to say, either.  We have joined a support group for grieving parents which has helped us tremendously, and has taught us a lot about going through the grieving process. 

*Here are some recommendations for talking to grieving parents:

• Remember our child by speaking about him.  Part of the healing process is talking about Jonah and our pregnancy.  The worst thing you can do is ignore Jonah and pretend that he never existed.
• Ask us how we are doing, and ask if there is anything you can do to help.
•  Realize that we might start crying when you talk to us, but that is OK.  This is the “new normal” and we are going to be emotional for a while.
• We have been told that in grieving, the first year is the hardest.  Remember us on holidays, say a prayer, send a card, set up a “play date.”  The pain is not going away anytime soon, and we still need prayers and support.
• Don’t fall into cliches.  For example, some people might think, “You’re young; you can have another baby.”  While that may be true, Jonah is irreplaceable.  Another child would never make up for missing him everyday.
• Realize that we struggle daily with happiness.  In one hand we hold the grief over losing our child, and in the other hand we try to enjoy each day God has given us and enjoy the union that we have with God.  It’s a delicate balance.

               

6) Our new focus in on Eternity

Philippians 3:20-- But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.

Revelation 21:4-- He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

*With Jonah passing away, my heart and soul is now focused on the eternal.  I know that Jonah is in heaven now.  And it is tragic that he passed away, but when is death not tragic?  When is death not unnatural?
*I ask myself, will it matter that I did not spend 30, 40, 50 years with Jonah when I get to heaven?  What about after 100 years in heaven?  A thousand? A hundred-thousand?
*With eternity, the pain of Earth will wash away.  I look forward to seeing what type of person Jonah is and hope that he is watching now as I give God the glory.
*I want to stress though that our enjoyment of God is present now. And Danae and me truly love giving our lives to Him.  But we also get to look forward to eternity with God and Jonah.

Let me close with this, God is good…  All of the time…Even in the time of our distress God is good and I am thankful that the Lord has chosen me to share twith you that God is always good!

Jonah's Song

We continue to be amazed at the outpouring of love and support we have received over Jonah's passing.  Today, a very good friend of ours surprised Adam with a song he wrote about Jonah.  After playing the song for Adam, our friend e-mailed us a rough recording of the song, so I could hear it, too.  It was so touching and meaningful.  I was blown away by our friend's kindness and respect, because it was so unexpected.

Jonah mattered to us.  Our friend understood that and wrote a song to honor his life.  I'm sure we will share it with everyone someday, but for now we will treasure it ourselves as it brings comfort in our healing process.

Thank you, friend, for honoring our precious son with the gift of punk rock music!

Resources

This page is intended to be an on-going list of resources to help others who are going through the grieving process, or facing a terminal diagnosis.  It is a work in progress which will grow as our healing continues.  From time to time, I will post book reviews on my blog as I read through the books in my list.

While I was expecting Jonah, I felt so isolated.  I wanted to read the stories of others who had gone through this.  I wanted to connect with other people who understood what we were going through.  There was not much out there that related to our specific situation.  It wasn't until after Jonah's death that I started to find these resources and get connected to communities of support.  

I hope that you never have to go through what we did.  But if you do, or you know someone who does, here are some resources to help along the way.


Websites and Blogs:
All That Love Can Do:  Support for families who continue their pregnancy after fatal diagnosis
allthatlovecando.blogspot.com
Still Standing:  A digital magazine about surviving child loss and infertility.
stillstandingmag.com
Carly Marie Project Heal:  A website for bereaved parents
http://carlymarieprojectheal.com


Articles:
6 Tips for Talking with Parents Who Have Lost a Child
http://stillstandingmag.com/2015/02/6-tips-talking-parents-lost-child/
What I Wish More People Understood About Losing a Child
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-17928/what-i-wish-more-people-understood-about-losing-a-child.html


Facebook Groups:
I Am a Mother to an Angel
All That Love Can Do
Prayers for Shane


Books:
I Will Carry You by Angie Smith
Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg
Heaven by Randy Alcorn

Be You Bravely

Last fall, shortly after Jonah's diagnosis, I joined a moms group called MOPS.  This nationwide organization's theme for fall was "Be You Bravely."  Because of what I was going through, I latched on to that empowering theme, and it became my mantra for a time.  I have never had to be so brave in my life as I was when I carried and delivered Jonah.

A few days ago, I was talking to a friend about a different moms club I joined which is closer to my home.  My friend said she was interested in that club, but was afraid to join all by herself.  She was surprised that I went to the group on my own and joined up without knowing anyone else.  I told her that after going through what I did with Jonah, it's nothing to go to the park by myself!

Sharing this blog with the world is my next step to being brave.  I love writing, and I have kept journals for much of my life; it's part of just "being me."  But to be me bravely, I have to take that to the next level.  I have to share our story with anyone who wants to read it.

There are so many things that I'm just not afraid of anymore.  I had to walk through my deepest fear as a parent-- losing my child.  Compared to that, things that were once scary to me are so trivial now.  Not because I have any strength on my own, but because God has been with me each step of the way.  He gave me the strength I needed to face my worst fear.  If I can get through the death of my child, with God by my side, I know that He will see me through anything this life will throw at me.

Through my relationship with Christ Jesus, I have everything I need to "Be Me Bravely."

Fear not, for I am with you.  Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you, I will help you.  I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.  (Isaiah 41:10, NLT)