I am pleased to contribute to a blog hop for grieving parents who write. When you're finished reading, hop on back to She Brings Joy.
It has been five months since we said hello and goodbye to Jonah. I realize this makes me a baby in my grief, and I have so far to go. Will I ever be whole again, when a piece of my heart is missing?
At this point in my journey, I can honestly say there are more good days than bad days. I might have one or two bad days in a week. Sometimes I just need to cry. Sometimes I have an imminent urge to visit the cemetery. Sometimes I want to curl up in my bed and sleep all day, but that doesn't happen because I have my daughter to care for!
Like I mentioned in my previous blog post, I feel like I am in the process of becoming a different person than I once was. Grieving is messy, and I'm not yet sure who I will be on the other side of this journey. It's hard to put into words exactly where I am and how things are changing, but I will try.
Life is scary and fragile.
Losing my son has made me realize that our time here is not guaranteed. Sometimes I panic when I'm driving in the car, thinking life could end at any second with an accident. I fear for my husband driving to work for the same reason. I worry about leaving my daughter at preschool, thinking something could happen and we'd never see each other again. Times when our family is apart cause me anxiety, and I feel most comfortable when we are all at home together.
My body is frustrating.
I know I should celebrate the fact that my body gave life to two children. But it's not the same as it once was. I am still wearing maternity pants. My c-section scar causes pain when I wear jeans or any stiff fabric, so my clothing options are limited at this point. The most frustrating thing is that I still can't run because of the pain from my incision. I am a runner. I long to be training for a half marathon. Waiting is frustrating and walking isn't the same.
Priorities change.
Things that were once important seem trivial. The most important thing now is spending time with loved ones, because we don't know how much time we have on earth. I used to love my job as a teacher, but at this season in my life, is it much more important to be home with my daughter. Now I question whether I should return to teaching or look for a different job that would allow me more time with my family.
Relationships change.
You discover you have a lot more "fair weather friends" than you thought. Perhaps the people close to you can't handle your pain or don't know what to say. Whatever the reason, friends aren't there like they used to be. I have been blessed to meet some new friends after my loss; some from a mom's club and some from a grief support group. I never would have met some wonderful people had I not lost my son. Finally, while many marriages end in divorce when parents lose a child, I am extremely thankful to say that my relationship with my husband has only been strengthened because of our loss.
Faith grows.
I never imagined I could be so strong. People who hear our story marvel at our courage. But none of this was accomplished in my own strength. I was able to make it through the greatest trial of my life only by relying on God. When I put my trust in God and was willing to obey, He carried me through the valley of the shadow of death. He was with us when our son was born, and He continued to fill us with an otherworldly peace throughout our hospital stay. Seeing God carry us through something so big has made it easier to trust him in all things. If God was with us then, he can certainly walk with us through anything that comes our way.
I think about Jonah each day, wondering what he would be like now. I wonder what it's like in heaven where he is. I wonder how much longer I will have to wait to be with him. I know that I have a long way to go in my grief. While I just want the pain and the hard parts to be over with, I know this journey is turning me into the person God made me to be.
